MEMORIES
I am writing because I am feeling very frustrated. I have a lot of work to do, and yet all I want to do is just get out of Massachusetts and move to California. I am not feeling happy in Massachusetts. I am feeling much love from California. Everyone here I am going to say goodbye to so let’s get it over with.
I carry a lot of stress in my body from memories. I have memories of Lizzie bright and clear; happy times and last year – not happy times. I have memories of Asha and Ishana and how we were all happy together and functioning together like I thought a close family should. Those memories stopped in their tracks as of February of 2006. We haven’t talked in over a year, except with the lawyer present or their lawyer to my lawyer. No more memories going to build there. That makes me cry.
I have memories of my sister, Mary, and how much fun we used to have together. I often felt like I had a sister when she was okay to deal with. No those memories stopped because she’s blaming me for whatever with her daughter and my mom. I haven’t talked to my sister Pat in over a year because I made the decision not to talk with her as she was/is making decisions that are not healthy for her, not helpful to mom and I could not support them because of her choices of Anna or mom.
I am calling my mom once a week, and I know that she’s made at me. She told me she is mad at me because she says I lied to her. Okay. Whatever.
I am going to say goodbye to my choir so let’s just get it over with. I will miss Morning Star very much and Moonlight. I will miss singing in the choir. I will miss all the women. I will miss my usual schedule and singing solo.
I am going to miss seeing my daughters, especially Lindsey. Though she is very troubled at times, I have had an important role in her life, and I am stepping out of it. I am stepping out of Marcy’s life by living in California and she’s upset about it. I am not upset that she’s made, but I am upset that I am still here and not on the other side building my relationship with both of them.
I won’t be able to see Diana until December when Thea and I come back. What if it doesn’t work out with Thea???? What if I am not happy living at Shalla’s house? I like my own stuff around me. I like my office and my meditation room. Now I am going to be sharing space with Thea. What if I don’t like doing that? What if my life becomes more complicated because of living in California? What about the air I will breathe? What about the money I have to make? What if I lose my focus and don’t succeed? I know I am scared. The days are dragging by and I just wait and wait. I don’t really care about anything around here any more. I am living in CA on CA time, though I am trying to make a change so I can get enough sleep.
I feel like I’ve outgrown MA and want to get away from everything. I feel like I am disappointing everyone and just want to disappear so they don’t have to say goodbye to me.